Under the Unminding Skies

There is something about baking bread that is deeply feminine and empowering in my mind.  Part of it is knowing that if I got snowed in and couldn’t go anywhere, I am still able to make an essential part of the human diet.  The other part is the simple pleasure of feeling the stickiness of the dough, the silkiness of the flour, the pounding on the counter…it’s all sort of childish but wonderful.  I find that baking bread is also very relaxing – I have time alone in the kitchen, it’s quiet, and I can reflect on all sorts of matters.  Very often it’s spiritual, but today it was not.  I kept thinking about those big, German farm wives that you very often see pictures of in libraries and text books.  You know the kind, the ones that frowned into the camera while they were standing in front of their farm house as though they had better things to do than be photographed.  I kept picturing them kneading enormous amounts of dough, slamming it away on a floury counter top and I wondered what went through their head when they were working at it.  Did they wonder what in the world made them follow a man out to the prairies of North Dakota to start a farm?  Perhaps a new life?  Did they try to get the deed done as quickly as possible because there was so much to do on the farm?  Were they lonely because their man was actually away to war and did they fantasize about him coming home?  Did they have children running around, screaming and playing and making it difficult to get work done well?

It’s kind of silly, I know, but it don’t you ever wonder about things like that?  I feel like those woman are the epitome of femininity – maybe not the most delicately boned or wide-eyed and beautiful, but capable women, able to take care of a husband, home, and family with a practicality that helped them all survive in the harsh living conditions.  I feel like there’s something about baking bread that brings out a primal feminine feeling in the same way – that I can take care of my family too, if it were to come to that.  Like the way a man feels more manly when he’s holding a gun.  It must be the same for him, like he can take care of his family if it were to come to that.  I wonder…

Married life is fantastic!  There’s so much freedom of mind, not having to worry about what people might think.  When David first moved to the states and someone unprofessing found out he was here they always assumed he was living with me and that was awkward.  But there’s none of that now and I must confess that I LOVE seeing that ring on his finger.

I haven’t seen any wedding pictures yet, but as soon as I get some I will try to post a few.  It was the most perfect day ever!

I have decided that there is not much in this world that is more wonderful than coming home to the man you love and seeing him at the hob cooking a dinner that smells delicious, having him turn to see you with that big ‘welcome home’ grin, then being swept into a delighted embrace just because he can.

I am so spoiled.

Reasons why David will make a fantastic roommate:
(in no particular order)

1. He’s well able to communicate

2. He’s interested in making the house a cosy place to be

3. He knows not to leave the toilet seat up

4. He understands that dishes can be RINSED and left for later, not left with food to get gunky and crusty

5. He can differentiate between ‘clean’, ‘sanitary’, and ‘tidy’

6. He’s a decent cook and is willing to share his food

7. He will not gouge the butter so long as I don’t leave crumbs in it

8. He does not gripe about taking out the trash

9. He will get up early enough to help me shovel snow off the driveway before work

10. He will make this place home (not just some place he’s living at for 9 months out of the year

Not gonna lie, I’m kind of excited to get a new roommate!

This week has totally been kicking my butt with the busyness and stress of quizzes, exams, research, assignments, work and wedding planning, not to mention some catty girl drama on the side.  Thank goodness for convention food that means I don’t have to cook and thank goodness I live alone so no roommate can complain about the 2 weeks worth of dishes cluttering every available inch of sink, counter, and table space.

I decided to write because I was reading my dad’s blog (http://mvnelson.com/Wordpress/)  and couldn’t tell anyone else who would care how adorable I think he is.  I love how his little posts go through his day and tell me about all the delicious food that he’s eaten and where it came from.  I think it’s adorable how he posts interesting observations about the Filipino culture with just that – interest, where I myself would find those aspects revolting and unacceptable.  Yes, I’m a snob.  It’s so cute how he writes a blog about studying for his re-certification exam by blathering the things that must have been rolling around in his head.  It’s just so sweet, I kind of love reading it.

I suppose I also have the ulterior motive of avoiding organising my research, which I’ve supposed to have been doing all semester and have hardly touched.  o_O  Who knew there were so many experiments out there trying to figure out how people make choices?  I didn’t.  Unfortunately, the more I research, the more I realise there’s so much more I need to do and I’ve not even scratched the surface.  I’m so not enthused right now.

However I am slightly enthused about this: http://www.eshakti.com/clothpdpage.asp?catalog=Clothes&cate=maxi+dresses&productid=CL0020048&pcat= I feel like it could be a very useful piece in a weird and frumpy way.  Because it is denim, it would go with every solid coloured t-shirt that I own, and even the 2 non-solid ones that I have.  It is fitted enough on top to make me look young and busty yet loose enough in the right places to be able to wear on a fat day and no one would know the difference.  I see long, colourful scarves to save it from being bland and pretty cardigans, a possible belt if the confidence strikes, ballet flats in the warmer months, tights and boots in the colder months and this is an all season dress.  Customized to fit me with a $12 off coupon?  Yes, please!  Too bad I have to save all my money for marriage and my wedding.

Oh, and too bad I told David I wouldn’t buy anymore clothes until I reached my weight goal of 140.  I can’t believe I used to think that 138 was horrifyingly fat and totally unacceptable and if I reached 140 I would die. Who would have guessed that long distance relationships make you fat when you have to sit all day a work, come home and sit to talk online, then go to class and sit, come home and sit doing homework….nearly40 pounds in 2.5 years?  That’s kind of gross.  Those 125 days are gone, but maybe 135 will like me.  Soccer field, here I come.

So that’s my life right now after not writing for ages.  I’ve procrastinated long enough.

P.S.  If you know of any fine dining places in Fargo-Moorhead, let me know, will you?  I seem to be google-tarded because I can only find 4 restaurants and that’s not good enough.  Binging doesn’t do much either.

I have been inspired by my friends to write a blog that is not a matter-of-fact record of the days happenings or a rant about some social aspect that I personally will not do anything to try to change.  So here goes.

Chrissy moved in with me about 2 weeks ago, right after Eagle Bend 2 and I am learning what it will be like to be a wife.  Only I get to experience the man side of things.  When I rush out the door to school or work and leave my toast crumbs littered across the counter and a goopy oatmeal pot soaking in the sink, I come home in the evening to a spotlessly clean kitchen and fresh baked apple pie/brown bread/you name it on the counter.  Or I’ll stumble in, exhausted after dealing with crabby people at work and I’ll thump my bag down and she’ll be there with a ready smile and bubbly conversation to take my mind off the things that happened that day.  It’s pretty spectacular.

I tell David about all that Chrissy does for me and he tells me I’m spoiled.  When my dirty dishes have been washed and I chastise her for working too hard, she comes back with, “Well Sarah, it’d be silly for me to wash all my dishes and leave yours sitting there.”  Hmm.  None of my other roommates had any problem doing that.  Tonight I came home fromwork and she had made the most delicious pancakes from her grandmother’s recipe.  They were so smooth and fluffy, it was amazing and it was because the egg whites has been whipped.  Go figure…I would never think to whip egg whites for pancakes.  Too much work.

But the best part about it is the companionship.  Always so gentle and kind without being a pushover, never letting me get away with my hastily formed opinions and willingness to judge, and I’m thankful for that.  I feel like my standard has been set as a wife.  To feed, comfort, and refresh my husband and keep the home a home.  One of my biggest fears is that work will creep into the home and I just feel like that is something that needs to be totally separate.  Home is like a little sanctuary and there shouldn’t be any huge, extraneous cares pressing down and ruining that.

Maybe I don’t give guys enough credit because I wonder if a guy would appreciate all that’s done for them or if it’s something the expect a wife to do?  I hold some derision for men, thinking them to be simple creatures ruled more by their hormones than anything else.  Rudyard Kipling even acknowledged this (in a roundabout way): http://www.potw.org/archive/potw96.html  Do they realise?

today i realised i get really upset when i feel like a choice has been taken away from me.  i was in the grocery store on the phone with david and trying to figure out if i wanted cheap raspberries, all of which looked like they were going slightly off, when this woman shoved her way past me, shouting to her little boy and invading my space.  nothing short of throwing me into a temper. firstly because i saw her as a disgustingly coarse american.  it’s very typcal of an american to shout what they want to someone else in order for you to hear them and then react to what they want.  rather then just wait or say “excuse me” they will shout.  if that doesn’t work, which it didn’t because i was on the phone and trying my hardest to ignore her, she then crowds right up in there as though i were a wall, not even trying to excuse herself.  i wanted to rail at her for being so incredibly tacky and also cowardly to not just say what she wanted.  however, i left off the raspberries for a later date.  however, this woman upset me so much and my whole grocery store experience was ruined, which i ranted to david about (poor guy).  why?  because i felt smothered and my personal space was invaded and it was intensely uncomfortable.  and i felt like this idiotic woman and no thought even to personal space.  from her view, i was probably being rude by not listening to her loud conversation and reacting as though she were speaking to me.

this culture doesn’t work for me because i hate people so much.  people who stand too close to me in the post office when i’m waiting to mail packages.  people who try to make small talk on the phone and can’t just do business.  that’s another kicker.  insincerity.  i hate it so, so much that i probably come across as rude since i refuse to make small talk.  as though i’m supposed to genuinely believe that a salesperson cares how i’m doing that day.  or that they’re genuinely interested in the weather outside.  unless it looks like there will be a blizzard or a tornado, i refuse to be open to conversation like that.  they can keep personal remaks to themself, and we can take care of business if we are so required.

even when david tries to kindly suggest something, it feels like an order and something inside me instantly wants to rebel and do the opposite.  just reestablish who is in control in my own twisted way of thinking.  quite silly, this human nature of mine.

my apologies for this hormonal rant – things always seem worse than they really about once a month and today was one of those days.

on a cheerier note, i managed to procure something i’d been chasing after for a long time.  i also worked a bunch and didn’t end up feeling burned out at the end of the day.  i’ve learned that starbucks will never make good coffee, no matter how many times i give it a try, it’s brewed much to acidicly and not even cream and sugar can help it.  i am learning how to play “all i want is you” on my guitar, which should be the easiest song ever if i had any sense of rhythm and strumming.  but since i don’t, it’s a small challenge to keep my days interesting.

i have decided that if i can’t think of everything i own when it comes to clothes and thoughts on packing, it means i have too many clothes.  which means i might have some lucritivity coming my way from ebay, if i can get motivated.   problem is, i find people to just give things to, like all my worker shoes.   i think i’ll love them and then just wear my high heels anyway so they need to be put to good use and who better to apprecaite a good pair of expensive shoes than a worker?

so yes.  that was today.  my temper will be under better control tomorrow.

lately i haven’t had the time to sit down and write about all the little silly thoughts that come to mind but today i find myself sitting on my living room couch, storing up calories that will be burned later in new mexico.  in the meantime, my fingers need a workout more than my legs or abs.

i’m becoming increasingly amused and cynical about life every time i go to check my email.  this is mainly because charter.net has horrible news stories on their front page talking about people getting killed for odd reasons or no reason at all.  there’s just such a sad lot of people out there.

david has proposed the thought that it is not homosexuality that destroys the sanctity of marriage but divorce.  i thought that was a very wise thing for him to say.

i am learning to take better care of house plants.  i find that now that i live by myself, with the hope that one day next year i won’t be by myself, it’s a lot easier to take care of the house and everything in it.  and that includes watering the plants, because now i actually see them whereas before i only came home to sleep.

i also find that i have zero social life, in a way.  my social life is david.  and sometimes my family.  but mostly david.  it’s nice to be so content that i don’t feel any urge to go out looking for something/someone fun and exciting to do things with.

the other day we had a clothing exchange and i was overwhelmed with the amount of junk that i just carry around with me.  i feel like every new thing i get i ought to get rid of something similar, but that never happens.  it was nice to see all the girls again and i had to laugh at the inhibition of 6 or 7 girls in a room full of free clothes just stripping and walking around in undies and crowding around mirrors.  it’s great being a girl.

there was something david told me once i should put in a facebook note, but now i can’t remember what it is.  he must have thought it was very clever or creative, but since i can’t remember, that proves him wrong.

we’re having a very irish sort of summer here – cold!  but it’s nice because i haven’t had the heating or air conditioning on in my house in months.  saves me mucho dinero and i’m happy about that.  that’s a new development that might become noteworthy: sarah nelson has become the biggest cheapskate ever.  i’ve started to say no to going out because i’m too cheap to spend 4 dollars on food and then have to give a tip.  i’ve been bringing my own food everywhere i go and making sure it’s packed with nutrients and everything i need so i won’t be hungry and buy food on impulse.  i sell as many of my old clothes and shoes as i can when the season comes around because i will do anything for money.  i sold a bunch of textbooks online for the specific purpose of cash.  problem is, i like nice things.  penny-wise and pound-foolish.  so it goes.

those are just some thoughts.  some updates.  just whatever.  i kind of miss writing in here.  maybe there will be more in the next fews weeks.

another opinionated rant:

today in my school email there was an announcement for “transgender day of remembrance” and i couldn’t help but wonder at it.  i just get really irritated about all these things and gay pride or whatever because NO ONE ELSE ADVERTISES THEIR SEX LIFE!!  ok, that might be a bit of a lie because you do hear of guys talking about what they did with such and such girl the other night, etc., but i honestly don’t recall ever seeing anyone announce themselves as being heterosexual.  it doesn’t make sense.

mainly, here’s the thing: i don’t care who wants to have sex with who, just don’t go announcing it or telling me about it, ok?  do i think homosexuality is wrong?  yes.  (based on my beliefs, that person will answer to God and i am not in the place to judge and condemn.)  so am i going to hate you for it?  no.  there is no reason for me to dislike a person simply based on who/what they love.  however, i will dislike a person if they go flaunting themselves or if they act like they’re a victim of being a minority.  if either of those is the case, they need to get over themselves.

i wish the school wouldn’t push differences like that.  i mean, i feel like the institution wants me to think it’s ok for someone to be GLBT and that’s annoying.  it’s not ok.  not agreeing with that though does not mean i’m going to be hostile to someone who is.  bah!

that’s my rant done now for the day.  sorry.  =S

i was coming on here to rant about another opinion i’d formed when i noticed my last post also had to do with opinions.  which makes me realize that i am too opinionated by far.  and knowing that isn’t stopping me from writing this post.

i was perusing the news and saw that there’s a little course offered in minneapolis for men teaching them to respect women, etc. because most sexual assualt is done by males to females.  but then there was a list of peoples’ comments under the article and i was really annoyed to see that there were some women ranting about how they should be able to dress however they want and not have men panting all over them.  and that just annoys me.  and it annoys me more that there were several people making similar sorts of comments.

first off, if you’re going to dress like a skanky ho-bag, what is your purpose in doing so?  if you say it’s to make you feel better about yourself, have you ever thought about the reason WHY you would feel better?  ever consider that getting the male attention WHEN you dress provocatively is what does that?

i feel like i can’t express my frustration and annoyance about this topic….i hate girls who whine about being a victim when they put themselves in a position to be such; it’s not that hard to avoid sketchy places, keep one’s right mind by not getting drunk/doing drugs/etc. and dress modestly!!  and it will command respect.  it shows she respects herself and a good guy will respect her and those guys generally will not sexually assualt her if she behaves modestly.

and here’s another thing: men are portrayed as bad or evil or what have you.  that’s so annoying.  it’s like women don’t ever take the blame for their action and it’s all the guy’s fault.  when really it would be both of them, and the main thing is that the situation is one that could easily be avoided.  it’s so ridiculous!  man bashing is NOT women empowerment!  i HATE that!

ok, enough of my opinion on that.

today was a nice veterans day.  cold and snowy, but then some of it melted.  i feel like it might be icy driving to student study at heather’s tonight.  school is starting to stack up so it’s a good thing i’m only working at the research lab.  we’re starting this new thing where they want us to test video games for a wii system.  so i get paid to play games for 2 hours and then rate them.  how sweet is that?  i’m pretty pumped about it.

i have decided i’m a fan of baroque classical music.  vivaldi.  mmmm….  =)  perfect for a cosy day indoors.

cosily yours,

sarah